I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
