I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I've blown a few things in my day
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
