I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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