So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
