We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face