Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
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tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
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Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?