I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.