Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
