ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
