i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
