omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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