I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
