I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
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we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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