You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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