Banned from zoo.
Again?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
