my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
