If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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