goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
