I am puke
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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