At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
