:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
