can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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