That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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