Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
