We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
