My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
