we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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