getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
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I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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