cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
