I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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