You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
