Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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