Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
