I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
