we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing