Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was confusing and full of hummus
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
