I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
