last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
