What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
