My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
