if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
