there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
