I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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