Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
