My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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