....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
