A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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