I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
