Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
