atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
