I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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