she woke up with a sticky ear
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
