If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
