I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
