i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
