we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
