It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
