dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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