I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
