I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
