I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
